A Brutally Honest Cover Letter

The job hunt seems to take forever, doesn’t it? When you’ve been job hunting for a while, you may find yourself trying to think of new ways to say the same thing over and over again in your cover letter. It made me think: imagine if you could be brutally honest – how much easier and faster it would be to churn out a cover letter! So in honor of it being Friday (and me being braindead as a result!), here is my sample of a brutally honest stream of consciousness cover letter.

Dear Hiring Manager:

You and I both know why I’m writing so let’s cut to the chase here. I’d like to be considered for the Program Manager of Stuff’N’Things. I have 10 years of experience in doing things, 3 years of supervisory experience, and deep expertise in stuff. And though when I applied the first time around, I didn’t even merit a phone interview, I see that the position has been reposted so: is now a good time to consider me? Seems like your most recent hire may not have stayed. Can I ask why? No? This is only about me selling my skills and not you being honest about what on earth is going on there? Okay.

I am a team player, but prefer to work alone. I am a quiet loner. I keep to myself, and l am allergic to “ra-ra” teambuilding kinds of work. At the same time, I hate how my current employer doesn’t offer any training whatsoever, relying on only the cheapest open-source software available with no documentation, forcing me to do extensive research in order to teach myself how to do even the most simple tasks, so I’m hoping that joining a team environment in a *real* company will mean that there’s actually someone who can show me what I’m expected to do and how. The team emphasis in your job description also implies that there is more than one person, so maybe that signals that I wouldn’t be doing the workload of 4 different people like I do now?

On to communications skills! I am an excellent communicator. I have a strong attention tot detail, and check my work carefully for accuracy. I have experience in writing and editing long documents, and am capable of public speaking even though it literally makes me break into a sweat. And sometimes cry. I’ve learned to disguise the tears as part of the sweat, though.

Despite having read the job description many times, I still have absolutely no idea what the day-to-day work of this particular position is, but I am excited to do it! And believe I’d be a great fit! I don’t know much about the company, other than it is a global enterprise in the auditing sector, which I didn’t even know was a thing. I’m eager to travel the globe, though, sooo that seems good?

Finally, I am super disengaged at my current job and looking to get out from under a terrible manager as soon as possible so I’m pretty much willing to accept whatever salary you’re willing to offer. Call me, maybe?

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