A Brutally Honest Job Description: Project Manager Edition

Last Friday, I wrote A Brutally Honest Cover Letter. In honor of keeping it light & fun on a Friday, now I’m going to write a brutally honest job description. I’ll start with a Project Manager.

Disclosure: No, I am NOT a Project Manager, PMP, or anything of the sort. But if I were, here’s how I think the job description would read if it were honest.

Project Manager Duties & Responsibilities

  • Read, respond to, and keep track of thousands of emails
  • Google things for others
  • Nag people by email, phone, and in person about their action items.
  • Repeat “Where are we with that?” ad nauseum.
  • Play dumb to elicit the information you need
  • Patiently listen to all parties’ complaints about how they don’t have enough time or resources
  • Keep a “cheat sheet” of risks handy to copy and paste into every project
  • Track and document how much time you devoted to each project(s)
  • Write down what everyone says in the Project Dashboard
  • But not the extreme amount of time it takes to document the above in the Project Management dashboard
  • Organize meetings and check-in calls
  • Routinely tell people to go on mute on a call
  • Never appear stressed
  • Work with extremely diverse teams and keep track of all of their professional jargon and acronyms
  • Work at least 3 of the following into your workday: “scale across the enterprise,” “mitigate risks,” “resource allocation,” “slippage,” “missing a key deliverable,” “PMP,” “key stakeholders,” “rollout,” “change log,” “project sponsor.” (I’m sure I’m missing some!)

If your job description were brutally honest, what would it say?

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